That is imbedded in her head as well as mine for finding him. Our 11 year old daughter found him first and heard the shot. He pushed away anyone who cared about thim then I found him dead in our bed from a gunshot wound. He got to the point where he refused any help, he tried drinking himself to death. He was on a whole pharmacy of medication. He did Hazelton and quit drinking for time to time but never for himself. My hubby was a great man but suffered with depression and alchohlism. I had to close our business and am selling things off. We were married 15 years, he left me with 3 kids – 2 of them under 16. That is what I carry with me, not the vision of what I saw that night, not my anger at my dad, but the chilling thought that he thought he was alone in life, and he had to go alone in death. But, I too, have forgiven my dad, and I'm ok with the thought of him wanting to go, my only wish, is that somehow, someway, someone could have been there holding his hand. I feel I have been cheated out of having a dad for all the things a little girl wants her dad for, and I have. I can understand his reasons, although it makes it no easier.
But at the end of the day, I have come to terms with it. I saw it with my own 2 eyes, something I will NEVER forget. I was one who was at home while they were taking my dad out of the house. It has been horrible, and even 6 years later, some days are still a battle. I have felt anger, resentment, saddness, longing, understanding, too many emotions to really write. I can not say that for the past 6 years I haven't dealt with my own problems in trying to deal with the death of my dad. Wanting to change isn't the issue the issue is a problem of depression, physical illness, mental illness, and things you obviously don't understand.
He was a man who was hurting, that no one could get to. In my eyes, he will never be a quitter, a coward, selfish or cold-hearted.